Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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