my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
