what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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