There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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