Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
