My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is the high leading the old right now
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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