I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
nutella sex= disaster
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
