My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
