Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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