honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
