filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
