I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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