Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
