Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
