i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I need to stop coming to work sober
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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