Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This toilet bowl is my home.
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