I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
