I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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