i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we made out on top of his cat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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