Even the bartender felt bad for me
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
