He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
