you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
