Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
