He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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