fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
