someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
