I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
