I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
