What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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