he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
