i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
