Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
