i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
