I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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