My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
