I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You took a bar mat shot.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
