WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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