You're so nebulous sometimes
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
