so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
