Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
operation have a gay friend backfired
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
