is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
