He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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