I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
