Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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