??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
