Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
