You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
