She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
