I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
