Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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