Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
