remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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